Monday, October 15, 2007
I'm bored stiff. But mind you i'm not complaining. In fact i'm enjoying it thoroughly. When people tell me they've got nothing to do at work and they're bored, i always tell them to ENJOY IT! Appreciate the free time for you'll miss their very existence when you're buried with work right up to your neck. One of the many valuable insights gained out of my 2 year working experience =) And also coz i'm gonna be a sad busy bee on Thursday onwards, i welcome boredom with open arms.
I took a walk around raffles place moments ago, just coz i could afford to :) and to grab a few buys in the name of fresh air, haha. I realised that if all goes according to plan, i won't be sashaying along these familiar streets much longer. I highly doubt i'll suffer any flashes of nostalgia if i miraculously do think back of these days, but i'm sure i'll miss it a teeny weeny bit. I really don't think i'll end up anywhere in the area again, but we shan't speak too soon, shall we.
Tis was a morning of many exaggerated sighs. Not even uttered by me, mind you. A million dollars for the soul who can guess the topic discussed in the morning, during the drive to work with the famous 'parentals'. Duh- my akan datang resignation. My dad, in his opinion casually but in mine definitely practiced, asked me what i plan to do once i've resigned". I swear i dread that question, or anything to do with this sensitive topic. Its only sensitive when its discussed with my parents, coz they think i'm giving up the one good thing going for me in my life. Although they never really said that in those words, they sure do insinuate it. I just mumbled that i wanted to have a go at teaching for a bit, hoping that my mumbling would be taken as a hint that i'd much rather be sniffing people's grosspits in a crowded train than be in the car at that very moment. But i knew that i'd have to keep them in the know, sooner or later and i figured i'd be less of a coward for once. So yeah i just said, look i don't know what i wanna do but i'll prob relief teach. My mom started on how she's gonna be retiring next year, and i cant be depending on them for an allowance and my dad, like the broken record that he is, reminded me how he's also a retiree (like he even lets me forget it in the first place, there really is no need for a REMINDER). And then there were many sighs.. i really felt so.. useless. I felt like, they wished they had a more responsible daughter, who was out there making millions so she could support her aging parents who'd never have to worry about money when they stopped making it for themselves. Sigh.. I got upset, i even felt guilty. But it lasted for a grand total of a second. And i lashed out "Is that all that matters? Doesn't my happiness matter? I hate it here, and i'm not happy, not even for a second. Why cant i for once make me happy." My outburst was only met by more sighs. And my mom just said she hopes i know what i'm doing.
Sigh, do i? All this while, i've been doing what they wanted. Hello, i ended up doing accounting for God's sake. My parents are both accountants. Go figure. It was the very epitome of a well made individual, and they, as all parents do, wanted their children to fit THAT bill. And so i ended up where i did, today. Its a good place to be, sure, if you're into numbers and that shit. I should've realised along the way (while studying i mean) that digits would be the death of me eventually but i thought i was stronger than that. Yeah the whole "what doesnt kill you will make you stronger" bullshit.. don't buy that. Its a farce. utter crap. I like to believe that what doesnt kill you.. will go right around and hit you squarely in the head again till you give in to it. So yeah right now its become a life or death situation in my very dramatized head. Blah blah blah.. i keep going on about this don't i. Only cos, i dont have the complete support of the two individuals who made their world mine. Now as i try to step out into my own realm, i need to fight off the strong hold they have on me. Its jus that i wish i didnt have to fight it.. i wish it would follow me. I wish they would. I just wish they understood. Maybe they do, maybe i'm being a little too harsh, a little too assuming. But I'll never really know will i? Coz all i hear are.. sighs.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
