Wednesday, June 27, 2007
YOU make me sick.. not you.. or you.. but YOU.
hah, good luck figuring out who YOU are..
thanks for bringing new meaning to the word hate.
yuckk
ps- don't worry its not you im talking about, i promise.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
and the wiseman once told me..
"...cause i really do believe in the power of love. in the miracle that human beings can create for themselves that stems from that indescribable feeling that grabs at your stomach when you're lookin into a pair of eyes thats lookin right through you and yet.. you feel.. comfortable.. and yet.. nervous.. scared.. and even then.. u just plunge.. right through them"so, are you a believer yet?
you do that to me, you know..
you leave me completely and utterly speechless.
wow.
and its just the beginning..
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Thursday, June 14, 2007
and so i realised..
its not YOU that i miss but the memories..
and what are memories but mere moments we hold on to.. from an era that once existed.
`
Memories..
so sweet and dear, the ones you keep close to your heart..
but painful reminders of what could HAVE been, those you desperately try to forget..
Reminisce we may, but ensnared in the deadly trap of time.. we shall not fall victim to.
Move on we must, or stagnant and agonised we remain.. submerged in mindless, needless self-pity.
`
And so i remind myself..
it's not YOU that i miss, it's the memories..
And memories i will be able.. to share with someone anew.
and moments, similar to the ones i speak fondly of.. i can re-live.
There is no such thing as.. the end.
`
Thus I realise..
Its not that hard after all..
to let go of a haunted past so we can embrace the alluring present..
And then maybe.. face a promisingly sweet future, that we deserve.
Remember.. It only hurts as much you let it. So don't.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Monday, June 11, 2007
i'm toothless and i've lost a lil of my wisdom... who am i????? hahahahha =)
but its ok, it doesnt really hurt and i get to live on smoothies and milkshakes and all the yummy drinks that my conscience would've denied me on a normal day, so its all good!! speaking of which, the vanilla milkshake and strawberry smoothie at coffee club r just... orgasmic!! i kid not, and oh how i crave for moreeeeeeeeeeeee!! this liquid diet reminds me of my tongue piercing saga.. haha and how bhav and ragi ate my favourite chicken sandwich at hungry jacks while i could only salivate watching them devour it..arsewipess!! but thats the period i got to try all the different milkshakes and the works in perth.. and mind u, i've got no complaints.. sigh, perth perth perth... arrrggghhhhhhhhhh..
oh well, so yeshhh had myself a semi-quiet weekend.. friday was spent touring the 'quays'.. haha we started out at dxo, then stepped into the mayhem at china-one only to eventually seek refuge at chillies! but shawn and i were unbelievably tired so we left soon after.. but the rest stayed on and had a blast! of course watching and drooling over the *ahem* younger ones is not very healthy la, but haha havent we all been there n done that? =)
saturday was a nice quiet change from the usual clubbing escapade.. heavenly food at this quaint eatery near east coast and star gazing on the beach for dessert.. seriously yumm!
and sunday was spent re-living the good ol' tfa/annalakshmi days.. and oh yes i also resumed duties at the zoo!! sigh,i had a blast with the babygoats and the fallabellas and the rabbit and the guinea pigs and all the cuties at children's world la basically... its good to be back!!!!!!!!
so like yes, i'm chillaxing at home now, since i'm on MC for being a toothless fairy.. wondering what exciting liquid i'm gonna consume for my next meal.. im supposed to meet shawn and sho- the evil twins from hell *heh* both of whom are tryna to bug me to go get ready! so yes before sho eats her arms out of hunger, and shawn i dunno, his cat- ok ok bad joke- i better get my ass outta here!! see ya later peeeeeps!
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Friday, June 8, 2007
This is just beautiful guys.. I just had to share it.. just for the record ( and its obvious) i didn't write it..My pain, your thrill
my pain, your thrill.
my heart, beats still.
your eyes, unaware.
glazed, they dont care.
my soul, do you hear?
an ensemble of pleas, then fear.
shadows, they start to surround.
paranoia in memories, haunt up n down.
walls start to erect, the pain disappears.
it becomes rock, cold, steel, the hurt then adheres.
my center resides, a fortress that hides.
i dont feel. its safe. my spirit i bind.
a door, in the darkness.
a flaw, in my sanct?
a light in its mildness.
i hear a beat, i stop my rant.
say my name.
say it again.
i start to remember.
who i was, and from there i came.
a glimmer, afar.
a ripple of a star.
a shimmer of hope.
like a druggie from dope.
could there be another?
and this time, my dreams not plunder?
and perhaps i could be happy.
and rejoice in his arms truly?
a step i take.
another i dare.
the shadow steps in.
i stop in its lair.
where do you go?
to be hurt once more?
to shed another tear?
the shadows, they to me leer.
and so i take.
three steps back.
where the walls stand firm.
and strength they do not lack.
another stands solid.
with light on his side.
be your life void?
of sun, sand and tide?
of joy and warmth,
of bliss that comes free?
oh why don't you come join,
this ocean that surrounds me?
oh it looks fabulous,
this free you speak of.
it cannot come this easy,
its something to only be dreamt of.
the sun warms my feet,
the seas my hands.
to immerse myself fully,
i would drift away from land.
another glances, seconds into my eyes.
these words he says, my body he ties.
and you swim and you fall, you cut and you bawl.
how else do you learn, how else do you crawl?
to risk is to venture,
far away from where its safe.
the sunrise you'd capture,
rapture you'd rave.
what then will it be fair maiden?
what would your heart say if it were free?
to be a captive, within your very soul?
or to shout out across the very seas.
so beautiful, so rare.
my dear fawn, will those bonds you not tear?
break down those walls, it's okay, come see,
and in return, my love, i give my heart, to thee.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Thursday, June 7, 2007
so here's what i think.. enough confusion and enough tryna sort out messes that will iron out in due time.. so lets just smile, genuinely, and take it in our stride.. and we just might see that taking things as they come is way more feasible than figuring out whats not ours to figure out in the first place.. So i've had enough blogging about my muddled thoughts and i just wanna think happy things.. like.. TRISTON!!! haha seems like i'm scaring quite a few people with my 'apparently sudden' motherly side.. but i've always always loved babies and the fact there's one right in our group- sigh, its perfect.. he's perfect! =)
go ahead.. feast your eyes, i had my share already.. *slurpppp*
Baby Triston.. Sigh i want.. you? =)
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
so yes we've been blessed with another day.. wish i had awoken with a revelation, but let truth be told.. i absolutely haven't.. i'm just as confused, just as bugged and just as lost.. i know what i want, but the very next second my 'know' is reduced to a 'i think i know'.. doesn't help that speaking to one my girlfriends this morning, revealed HER biggest fear these days... that you just don't know when and how you can trust the person you THINK you know best.. oh well i've dwelled on this huge ass trust issue of mine for some time now so i REALLY dun wanna get into it.. but hearing her, i wondered if it was actually my mind that had invaded hers.. if my poisioned thoughts had seeped into her once clear head, and was making her say all the very things i have been singing like a broken record ever since i can remember..
and now i wonder.. if with the same fear we suffer the same fate.. where all the sweet nothings uttered into your ears really live up to its name- sweet NOTHINGS.. where you believed.. you gave.. and you ignored the pleas and cries of your loved ones and random strangers even, just so you can TRUST the person who looked deep into your eyes and said oh so convincingly that they loved you.. only to find out it was a lie, that they were just a lie.. a mere facade.. so what were you? a convenience?
i don't know man... just when i thought i should start ridding myself off these painful straps of the baggage that found its way on my shoulders, i have another believer? another one who doubts exactly the way i do? just kinda makes me wonder if i was right all along.. that i was right to have created this defense mechanism.. that i was right when i said, 'what if' and 'maybe' and 'perhaps' and 'no'..
so where does that leave me.. leave her.. leave us.. does that mean i'm never going to trust again? never gonna let anyone get close? never going to be.. happy?
too late now.. i've let you in.. so i'm going to try again.. i'm going to believe and hope and pray that you're an exception.. an exception to the general rule- the rule where trust equates hurt.. equates deceit.. equates utter stupidity..
ah time will tell.. it always does.. and it will for her too.. we'll be alright, one day.. someday.. =)
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
How so many things changed in one afternoon..hah, to be exact, by one sms..its like my heart knows what it wants.. what I want..but my mind tells me another story..Or perhaps you're right, i AM Gemini.. so i've got 2 sides to me and at times the evil twin takes over and ruins the pretty picture the nice one had painstakingly painted..Perhaps this and perhaps that.. sigh the truth of it all is I'm just a coward..afraid to let go, afraid to make choices, afraid of anything that promises to make me happy.. coz i'm scared that it'll be taken away.. just like it was.. I know i need to wisen up, be less risk averse..to just trust.. to learn to love and be loved.. and to realise that one scar doesnt have to paralyse my whole being.. I'm hurting you when all you wanna do is to pick me up and throw me unto a bed of roses.. instead i choose to step back into the sea of thorns where pain and hurt are but friends..Why can't i just forget the world, and forget the past.. Kick off my shoes and tear off my clothes and just.. just blindly run into the darkness, this unfathomable space.. without any fear, and never once turning back.. Why? Is it coz i'm not made that way? is that even an excuse, a reason? I need answers, i need solutions.. But most of all i need to realise that everything i need to know lies within me.. I don't know if i'll ever be able to completely and entirely let go of everything i've been holding on to so tight for so long, but i do know that only then will happiness truly find a place in my heart.. and maybe then, just maybe.. will my heart find yours.. And so my journey to discover and experience life continues.. But this time, i'm hoping that our journeys entwine.. We'll see what tomorrow brings, won't we.. Like you always say - Where's the fun in knowing anyway.. sigh...
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
wowiee junior juice! guess who's back!!!!!!!! hahaha lets see for how long though.. i seem to be sooo busy these days.. but i'm going to make it a point to blog more often- neglected my poor baby for too long!!
hah- i guess doing a daily'ish update since the last time i blogged is going to lead to a severe case of information overload, so maybe just some important bits here and there- which is probably all i can manage (to recall) anywayy =)
well to the genuinely concerned ones out there.. work's gotten semi-sane these days.. but i've lost a lot of the vigour i believe i possessed when i first started out.. i never liked my job but i always did it to the best of my ability.. these days, i'm extremely unmotivated and going to work is such a chore.. my work goes untouched over the weekend- even though i know the week would be that bit more manageable, had i put in an extra hour or two on my precious sat or sunday.. i concentrate for a grand total of 15 mins tops, and then my hand and mind is itching for a distraction.. so when i'm connected to the net, yeahh all hell kinda breaks loose.. i'm on friendster, spying on blogs and basically doing anything and everything that kinda takes my mind off work.. oh yeah and of couse not to forget my good ol' buddy MSN- thank God for small miracles heyyyy ;)
sighieee so i'm thinking.. since i'm kinda doing jackshit at work- i should do myself a favour (and not to mention PwC) a favour and leavee... but see i'm not much of a risk taker.. sure, leaving seems like the only option and i've been talking about leaving pretty much since i started, heh.. but where do i go from here.. i know animals and babies are my passion but what is it that i wanna do exactly? i speak of doing a degree in zoology and working with animals.. but how much do i know about this field? i'll tell you.. i know zilch.. yet i don't seem to do anything about it.. i'm not researching, speakin to the relevant people or even spending more than 5 mins to dwell on this and try to figure out if zoology's the right way to go.. i keep telling myself, once i quit, i'll get down to doing all i need to figure out my next step in this sad journey called 'life'.. i keep saying, all i want is to be happy... but thats all i do- i just say it.. its about time i made sure things happened for me.. so my next project- is to find me THE perfect job.. hah- good luck to me or watttttttttttttt... i'll keep y'all posted on this k ;)
apart from work.. i've been happy *smile* enough said!
ok all this work talk has kinda reminded me that.. gee shock shock horror horror- i've got work to do.. so yeah i'll best be off to complete it before i'm in more trouble than i already am!
byebye loveliess and i'll be back soon i promiseeeeee!
~ You've given me a taste of happiness and now i yearn for more.
I'm sorry i don't let my heart out to play very often, my mind has a game plan of its own.
What i don't say, i can't hide...So look deep into my eyes for they mirror my soul.
Oh but listen hard, and you might just hear the soft whispers of my heart...
Gentle yet certain.. saying, its you that i want.~
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
go ahead.. feast your eyes, i had my share already.. *slurpppp*
Baby Triston.. Sigh i want.. you? =)