Monday, September 10, 2007
And so I had a weekend that seems to have brought me to hell and back.. well, ive had worse weekends sure, but this was quite an experience as well..
Well as we all know, a fact probably drilled into our skull by now, everything happens for a damn reason. And that damn reason, we’re sometimes fortunate enough to realise within days of the turn of events.
I wouldn’t say I’m glad everything that happened, happened. In fact I wish it didn’t have to turn out that way.. But I can safely say that the helplessness and tears shed were not in vain. It made many of us realise so many vital things, so many facts we already know but just needed a push or a rude wake up call to be aware of completely. Some of us have broken bones to keep us awake; some, nearly broken spirits. Well, the broken spirit was mended pretty easily, but I cant say the same for the bone, heh. Poor you :(
I personally have come to recognize my need for a personality revamp.. Haha.. I’ve been this person for too long.. My unforgivable habits have even been labelled as “a Malini”- so normal and even pardonable; My impatience, disrespectful and rude ways, sarcasm, cold exterior, quick to put you down remarks (especially if you’re a loved one), cannot be bothered attitude, emo-less’ness, sharp tongued liners which cut deep, actions which would probably reduce me to a pile of nothingness if it were done to me and of course my famous bratty tantrum throwing frenzies. Oh and that’s just to name a few.
It took me this weekend and morning, to realise that I cant go on being this person when I genuinely care about people as much as I do. I have a problem, I am unable to express my love like a normal human being. I reckon the more I care for you the nastier I think I can be. Its weird I know, and worse still its been instilled in me for years now. I’ve hurt countless people along the way, made my close bunch accustomed to my way of being so much so, my behaviour has been accepted and is characteristic to me. If they need a bitch for the show, they know just who to call. But at the same time, I’ve been told I’m big- hearted, and caring to a point of putting my happiness above others, basically things you wouldn’t associate the person I described earlier with! So how can someone apparently nice, actually be capable of having such a mean streak in them? Some say that’s why they love me, some say it’ll be the death of them. Now I’ll have my say.. It time to change.
I really have hurt too many loved ones thus far. Its like their punishment for loving me.. It became apparent to me this weekend which brought about this realisation. I told myself I’m going to make a conscious effort henceforth, and I can only hope that this determination I feel right now sees me through. If all goes well, you may actually be able to have a conversation with me in the future, without me biting your head off and spitting it into a pile of other chewed ones. Haha nah, I’m not really all that bad, but I know I can be better. Cross your fingers for me, wont you =) And don’t worry all this doesn’t apply to you, if I didn’t love you already. Tough luck ;)
Ps- after spewing all that, my “I’m going to be on the next Oprah” crap on top, I just muttered (under my breath so that’s the slight difference) something rude and sarcastic to my dad who’d asked me an innocent question. Sigh, this is gonna be one difficult change, y’all.
The heart has its reasons which reason knows not of..
